Crazy Carl

I'm so in love. Not this puppy love nonsense, but that blissfully painful, butterflies-in-stomach, head over heels love. He's tall, dark and handsome. He's big and strong. I can snuggle up with him and feel safe at night. I've spent a lot of money on him, he loves a good oil down, and he doesn't mind if I drive. He's nineteen years old. His name is Carl. Crazy Carl. He's my new van.

I think I've graduated to the next level of my nomadic destiny and now live in a van. Carl is a '91 Nissan Largo, the seats fold down to make a bed and I'm dressing him up for the long haul through New Zealand. Actually I'm turning into one of those crazy ladies that scavengers through the recycling center (aka dump) muttering and trying to find cheap crap to kit out my van to make it liveable. I got into a fight with an elderly lady over a set of drawers yesterday, but screaming "I seen 'em first!" in a crazy Texas accent drove her away, which I will need to keep in mind. I'm currently on the hunt for a mattress and when I find the right one I hope to God there's no old lady there because I will take her ass out. All this erratic behavoir stems from February 11th, exactly six months to the day I have been in New Zealand. Something about that day was different, so I quit both of my jobs, got a massive tattoo on my left leg and bought a van. Slightly different to my three month anniversary when I went and purchased clothes hangers, something I don't think I've ever done before either.

That was when the wind changed. The wind. The dreaded, uprooting, chaotic, wind. When it changes there is nothing I can do except bow to its force and blow along with it. Fighting it is futile. It knows no comfort, warmth, logic or boundaries. It promises adventure, excitement, and thrill of the unknown. For those of us who chose to follow the wind, pity us and envy us. We own nothing and have everything. I feel comfortable with this lifestyle choice of mine and have embraced van-life with open arms, hoping it will embrace me too.

I walked into the bar to give my two weeks notice. Of course some sort of explanation is usually needed, but I was met with blank, confused faces when I simply replied, "the wind changed." So I launched into my "This Is The Longest I've Stayed Anywhere Ever And Now It's Time To Go" speech. Logic strikes again! I stroll over to the yoga studio and turn in my two weeks notice. "The winds changed." Knowing eyes and head nods give their approval and their blessing for my upcoming journey.

People keep asking me when and where I am going. North? South? East? West? I smile, shrug, and am happy. Blissfully happy. I don't know where I'm going, I only know where I have been. Probably I'm headed to a beach. "But what will you do??!?," they ask, stunned. I will do nothing, and I will be content. Who said you always have to do something? Doing nothing is one of my favorite things, and I'm getting very good at it. I've successfully shocked half the population of Nelson, which isn't saying much because it's such a small town. People I haven't seen in ages or hardly knew are showing up at my work to say goodbye, so apparently word has spread. I've tried talking a few friends into coming with me but to little or no avail, as per usual. It's ok though, because now that Carl and I have found each other it might get a little awkward with a third wheel.

I'll be kicking around Nelson for a few more days trying to sort out my life which never works no matter how many times I try. The amount of times I have uprooted from a place I am comfortable in does not matter, it is always hard. It is always scary. Being ok with uncertainty is the only way to get by, and I know that one day in the very near future, I will wake up, hop into the front seat and drive away, leaving friends and family that I dearly love but knowing that it is for the best.

"In the wake of your goodbye I linger,
Clinging to what might have been,
As the sun shines through the cold the truth come windward fold,
Let yourself start all over again.

In the wake of your goodbye I linger,
Reaching with my heart and soul,
But the shines through the cold and the truth come windward fold.
Don't let yourself.
Don't forget yourself.

Got to know what you're running from before you know where you running to,
What you leave behind.
I'll be gone when the morning comes,
Sun gonna paint a view,
Colors in your life."

-Big BW, Fat Freddy's Drop